The Couch to End All Couches

People of Santa Barbara:

Regarding my previous posting about our amazing, free, and oh so comfortable couch; I'm sorry.

I guess I hyped her up a bit too much. Apparently, you were all too shy to approach her. Please, don't be bashful. Despite her beauty, she is very friendly and quite modest.

Most of her green leather is as plush and smooth as ever. She even has a bit of a sun tan, as she's been sitting outside for a few days.

Her cushions are sagging slightly, but they are still supple.

She does not have arms, or rather, her arms are just slightly angled extensions of her butt cushions. This means that they work as perfect built-in head pillows. Additionally, her lack of bulky arms enable her to accommodate even the tallest of couch surfers.

Yes, she has a ripped cushion. Nothing duct tape couldn't fix. In fact, we'll give you a roll for free. Consider her injury a testament to her commitment to let people relax cozily, long past her prime. She's got plenty more asses to support in her lifetime.

She is the cougar of leather couches.

In the last post, I could not provide a photo due to my lacking the proper technology to record images of ghosts (it's a haunted couch, no biggie). Thankfully, recent advances in paranormal digital photography have allowed me to upload this lovely portrait.

Take her. You know you want her. I'm looking at you, Isla Vista. Yeah, you've got a sweet beer pong table in your yard. But what good is an outdoor beer pong table without a good sitting place by its side? A place for the next pong challengers to wait their turn. A place for you to chief your friends. A place for memories to happen.

You can find this lovely girl in the front yard of [my address]. Bring a few friends to help; she's used to more than one dude at one time.

The Most Glorious Couch of All Time

This couch is the stuff of legends.

If you're really drunk, this couch is a time machine. Like that movie about the hot tub that was also a time machine. But this is a couch time machine.

An impotent cat rubbed against it and got a hard-on.

A Cheeto fell in between the cracks of the cushions, and when we pulled it out it was a diamond covered in Cheeto dust.

It is a green couch, three cushions wide, and one of the cushions is ripped. The cushions cannot be flipped over, so hopefully you like ripped couch cushions.

I tried taking a picture of it to post it, but in each picture the couch would not appear. It's like a ghost. It may be a haunted couch. Hopefully you like haunted couches.

The couch is in the front yard of [my address]. If you think you can handle a couch of such magnificence, stop for a moment and reevaluate yourself. After thorough meditation, if you still feel worthy, you may take it.

Just the couch is free. Anything else in the yard, like the bench and a small fountain, are not free. Both of those belong to our upstairs neighbor. We're not the best of friends so it would be mildly amusing if these things went missing, but we are not encouraging such behavior.

Monetary donations are not mandatory, but they are encouraged.